The Danger of “One-Offs”
I am not making excuses for myself—I truly didn’t know any better. For as long as I can remember, when I didn’t have the answers, I made things up. It wasn’t because I wanted to deceive anyone; it’s just how my mind has operated since childhood, I was told to keep his secret. Lying became a way of coping, a habit that started small but grew into something far to hard to control. I learned to lie, to protect a secret. From a young age, I learned to bend the truth, to hide behind lies—first out of keeping secrets, then fear, then out of survival. As a child, I didn’t understand that this was wrong; it was simply how I navigated the world, especially when things didn’t make sense (memory lapses) or felt too overwhelming. But looking back after years of therapy and prison, I see how that pattern of behavior has shaped my life in ways I never anticipated, trapping me in cycles of deception that I didn’t even realize I created.
I will add another thing, knowing now about my past has made all the difference in my life today. Before, I had no self-identity except whatever I needed to be in any given moment.
Human behavior is complex and shaped by many factors, including environment, experiences, and learned habits. When a person makes a mistake or does something wrong, it can be tempting to treat that incident as a “one-off”—a singular event that doesn’t necessarily represent a deeper issue. But often, these so-called “one-offs” are part of larger patterns of behavior that, if left unaddressed, can evolve into more serious problems.
Consider the example of lying. Lying may begin in childhood as a way to avoid getting in trouble or to gain something that the child feels they cannot get honestly. At first glance, each lie may seem insignificant, a small infraction in a sea of childhood experiences. But when these lies are treated as isolated incidents, parents and caregivers miss the opportunity to recognize a developing pattern. This failure to address the root of the behavior allows the pattern to grow stronger over time, making it much harder to correct later in life.
The Problem With Focusing on “One-Offs”
When parents, caregivers, or even society as a whole focus only on individual incidents rather than the patterns m behind them, they are essentially ignoring the larger issue. They might punish or scold for the immediate behavior—lying in this case—without asking why the child felt the need to lie in the first place. Over time, this child learns to see lying as a quick solution to problems, and without guidance, they never fully understand why lying is wrong.
The real problem is not the lie itself but what the lie represents: a deeper insecurity, a fear of consequences, or even a learned habit from observing others. If these underlying causes are never explored, the child may grow into an adult who doesn’t even realize they have a problem with honesty. To this adult, lying has become second nature because no one took the time to correct the pattern when it was still forming.
Why Patterns Matter
Behavioral patterns are critical to understanding how people develop habits—both good and bad. Patterns often start small, with little things that seem harmless or inconsequential. But over time, these small behaviors compound, shaping a person’s character and approach to life. What begins as a minor indiscretion can become a lifelong issue if it’s not addressed at the root.
For instance, lying may start as a child hiding that they didn’t do their homework. It may then evolve into lying about bigger things—cheating on a test, skipping school, or breaking curfew. If parents and caregivers focus only on each individual lie, doling out punishments or consequences without investigating the motivation behind the lies, they miss an opportunity to help the child understand the importance of honesty. The child is taught that the behavior is wrong only in the specific instance, rather than learning that the underlying habit of dishonesty is the real issue.
As the child becomes an adult, the stakes get higher. Lying might become a way to manipulate situations at work, deceive a partner, or avoid legal consequences. This adult may not even recognize their dishonesty as a problem because, in their mind, each lie is a “one-off” situation. They haven’t been conditioned to see the pattern, only the individual incidents.
Breaking the Cycle of “One-Offs”
Addressing harmful behavior patterns before they become ingrained is crucial. Here are a few ways to shift focus from one-offs to patterns and help children—and adults—better understand and correct their behaviors:
Recognize Repetition: The first step in addressing behavioral patterns is recognizing that certain behaviors are repeated over time. Parents and caregivers need to be observant and keep track of when problematic behaviors occur. If a child is lying frequently, it’s important to notice that this isn’t just about one lie but a recurring issue that needs attention.
Ask Why, Not Just What: Instead of focusing solely on what happened (e.g., “You lied about cleaning your room”), ask why the behavior occurred. Is the child afraid of punishment? Do they feel overwhelmed by their responsibilities? Are they imitating behavior they’ve seen elsewhere? Understanding the motivation behind the behavior is key to addressing it at its root.
Teach, Don’t Just Punish: Punishment may stop the behavior in the short term, but teaching provides long-lasting change. Parents and caregivers should explain why certain behaviors are harmful—not just to others, but to the individual as well. For example, explain that lying breaks trust and can make relationships difficult later in life. Help the child see the larger consequences of their actions.
Model Good Behavior: Children learn a great deal by observing the adults in their lives. If parents are dishonest or dismissive of their own bad habits, children are likely to follow suit. Modeling honesty, integrity, and accountability is one of the most effective ways to instill these values in children.
Focus on Growth, Not Perfection: No one is perfect, and expecting a child (or adult) to be flawless will only create anxiety and frustration. Instead, focus on growth. Encourage open communication and create an environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn and improve, rather than something to be punished and forgotten.
The Long-Term Impact of Addressing Patterns
When harmful patterns are caught early, it is much easier to address them before they become ingrained. Children who are guided to understand why lying (or any negative behavior) is harmful, rather than just being punished for it, are far more likely to develop a strong moral compass. They learn that honesty is a value that benefits both themselves and those around them, and they are more likely to carry that lesson into adulthood.
Ignoring patterns, on the other hand, leaves individuals ill-prepared to deal with the real-world consequences of their actions. The child who was never taught why lying is wrong becomes the adult who loses relationships, jobs, or even legal standing because they continue to view dishonesty as a harmless or necessary tool.
In the end, focusing on “one-offs” is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. By recognizing patterns and addressing the root causes of behavior, we can guide children—and ourselves—toward healthier, more fulfilling lives where integrity and self-awareness are paramount.
While patterns of lying or other harmful behaviors can emerge from everyday situations, there is a far darker and more insidious way these patterns take root—when a child is told to “keep this our secret.” This phrase is often used by abusers to manipulate children, silencing them and creating a world of deception that traps the child in a cycle of pain and dishonesty. In the context of sexual abuse, the idea of a “secret” becomes a tool of control and shame, leading to a whole new level of deception that shapes how the child interacts with the world.
The Seed of Deception: “Keep This Our Secret”
When a child is being sexually abused, abusers often tell them to keep the abuse a secret. These words are not just about hiding the specific instance of abuse; they plant the seed of dishonesty in the child’s mind, teaching them that some things must be hidden, even if they are wrong. The child is often made to feel that revealing the truth would bring terrible consequences—whether it’s the fear of getting in trouble, the abuser’s threats of harm, or the thought that they will not be believed.
This creates a world where the child feels isolated, unable to trust the adults around them, and begins to see lying or keeping secrets as necessary for survival. The shame and guilt of the abuse become intertwined with this deception, making it harder for the child to speak out or even recognize what is happening to them. What starts as “just” a secret becomes a pattern of deceit that affects the child’s ability to trust others and be honest with themselves.
A New Level of Deception: Lying as a Way of Life
Once the cycle of secrecy and abuse begins, lying often becomes a way of life for the child. It starts with small lies—perhaps about why they don’t want to visit a certain person or why they seem upset—but quickly spirals into a more complex web of deception. The child learns to lie to avoid questions, to protect themselves from further harm, and to hide the deep shame they carry. Over time, this dishonesty becomes ingrained, and the child may lose the ability to distinguish between truth and lies, simply because lying has become a coping mechanism for their trauma.
For many survivors of abuse, this pattern of lying continues into adulthood. It’s not always a conscious decision; for some, it’s a survival instinct they learned early on. They lie to avoid conflict, to hide their pain, or because they don’t know how to be honest about their feelings. The abuse and the deception it fostered have rewired their thinking, making it difficult to form trusting relationships or be vulnerable with others.
Dissociation: Escaping the Pain
In some cases, the trauma of abuse and the deception that surrounds it becomes so overwhelming that the child begins to dissociate. Dissociation is a psychological response to extreme stress, where a person mentally “checks out” from their reality to avoid the pain. In this state, the child may feel disconnected from their own body or emotions, as if they are watching their life from a distance.
For these children, lying and secrecy become even more complex. They might not only lie to others but also to themselves, creating a mental distance from the abuse in an attempt to protect their fragile sense of self. This dissociation can lead to feelings of confusion, numbness, and even amnesia around the events of the abuse. Over time, the child may become lost inside their own mind, unsure of what is real and what is fabricated, because lying has become intertwined with their need to survive.
The Long-Term Impact: A Life Shaped by Lies
The tragic reality is that children who are sexually abused and told to keep secrets often grow up without ever fully processing what happened to them. The pattern of lying that began as a way to protect themselves from the abuser becomes a permanent part of how they navigate the world. They may lie about their feelings, their experiences, or their relationships, not out of malice but because they were never taught how to live any other way.
This long-term deception can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. Many survivors struggle with trust, intimacy, and self-worth, often feeling as if they are trapped in a web of lies that they cannot escape. For some, dissociation continues into adulthood, making it difficult to connect with their emotions or even remember parts of their past. Others may internalize the belief that they are inherently dishonest or unworthy of love because of the secrets they were forced to keep as children.
Breaking the Cycle of Silence and Lies
Addressing the trauma of abuse and the patterns of lying that come with it is a complex but crucial process. For survivors, healing begins with acknowledging the abuse and the lies that surrounded it. This can be a painful journey, as it requires facing the shame, guilt, and fear that were used to control them. However, it is only by breaking the silence that survivors can begin to untangle the web of lies that has shaped their lives.
Support from compassionate professionals, such as therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma, is essential for helping survivors understand the impact of their abuse and learn new ways of coping. For many, this means learning how to trust again—both themselves and others—and developing healthier ways of communicating and relating to the world around them.
Conclusion: Patterns of Deception and the Importance of Addressing the Root
When a child is told to keep abuse a secret, they are thrust into a world of deception that affects every aspect of their development. Lying becomes a way to protect themselves from the pain and shame of their abuse, and without intervention, these patterns of dishonesty can continue into adulthood. The abuse, combined with the secrecy that surrounds it, creates a cycle of deception that can leave survivors feeling lost, disconnected, and trapped.
Just as with other harmful behaviors, treating the act of lying as a “one-off”—focusing on the individual lie without addressing the underlying trauma—misses the larger issue. In cases of abuse, this pattern of dishonesty is often a symptom of deep, unresolved pain. By addressing the root causes of these behaviors, whether in the form of trauma, fear, or insecurity, we can begin to break the cycle of deception and help survivors reclaim their lives.
For those who have grown up with patterns of lying, secrecy, or have experienced trauma such as abuse, there are many resources available to help begin the healing process and address these deeply rooted behaviors. Here are some places people can turn for support:
1. Therapists and Counselors: Licensed therapists, especially those specializing in trauma, childhood abuse, or dissociation, can help individuals explore the root causes of their behaviors and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy can provide a safe space to unpack painful experiences and learn new ways of interacting with the world.
2. Support Groups: Groups like Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) or Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) offer peer support for those who have experienced sexual abuse or childhood trauma. These groups allow individuals to connect with others who have faced similar challenges and provide a sense of community and understanding.
3. Crisis Hotlines: For immediate support, crisis hotlines offer a confidential way to talk through feelings of distress. Some resources include:
• National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
4. Faith-Based Counseling: For those who find comfort in spirituality, many churches and faith-based organizations offer counseling services that incorporate faith into the healing process. Pastors or counselors within these communities can offer guidance that aligns with spiritual beliefs.
5. Non-Profit Organizations: Organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) or Childhelp provide resources for survivors of sexual abuse, including hotlines, counseling referrals, and legal resources to help people navigate their journey toward healing.
6. Books and Self-Help Materials: Reading material that addresses childhood trauma, abuse, and recovery can also be a helpful tool for understanding the long-term effects of trauma. Books like “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk or “Healing the Child Within” by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., offer insights into how trauma impacts the mind and body and practical steps for recovery.
7. Trauma-Informed Therapies: Treatments such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Somatic Experiencing are all evidence-based therapies that can help individuals heal from trauma, retrain the brain’s response to stress, and build healthier thought patterns.
8. Community Resources: Many local communities offer mental health services, crisis intervention, or family counseling through community centers or public health departments. These resources can often be more affordable for those seeking long-term help.
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