Adena M'lynn's Voice

Well folks, let me tell you — I just won another golf tournament. A big one. Huge. And not just any tournament — the Trump National Invitational at my incredible, world-famous, totally gorgeous golf course where I can screw all the world with my greatest visions of everyone bowing to me. Nobody hosts tournaments like I do. Nobody wins them like I do either. Some say it’s impossible to win your own tournament. I say — watch me. They said, “Sir, wouldn’t it look bad?” And I said, “Only if I don’t win.” And guess what? I won. I crushed it. I played 18 of the best holes you’ve ever seen. People were crying. Grown men. Tears! That’s how good it was. And the crowd — oh, the crowd. Mostly my staff, of course, but the best staff. Everyone was chanting, “Four more holes! Four more holes!” And folks, I gave them five because the finest of holes was discovered. Because I’m generous. Now, the Fake News Media — the real enemies of golf — they’re talking about something else that happened that day...

Ahem. Flap  flap. Attention, United States. This is a message from the Unified Coalition of Penguins, Seals, and Occasionally a Confused Walrus (UCPSCW).  First and foremost, we can’t even believe we are speaking about this. But given the climate in the USA we are forced to protect what is ours. We have reviewed trump’s latest snowflake meltdown about our alleged “10 percent tariff” and would like to respond… firmly, but flipperly. First of all—currency manipulation? Sir, our currency is literally fish. FISH. You think we’re manipulating the economy with anchovies and smelt? The only thing we’re manipulating is the occasional sardine under a rock. Second, the idea that we have “trade barriers” is ridiculous. We have no barriers. You can literally walk here—if you enjoy frostbite, hypothermia, and sudden death. We are VERY open. Too open, honestly. That’s how Dave the Polar Bear keeps sneaking in. And third—how DARE you tariff our exports! Penguin tuxedos? Those are bespoke. Th...