🎤 Flap — Flap!

Ahem. Flap  flap. Attention, United States.

This is a message from the Unified Coalition of Penguins, Seals, and Occasionally a Confused Walrus (UCPSCW). 



First and foremost, we can’t even believe we are speaking about this. But given the climate in the USA we are forced to protect what is ours. We have reviewed trump’s latest snowflake meltdown about our alleged “10 percent tariff” and would like to respond… firmly, but flipperly.

First of all—currency manipulation? Sir, our currency is literally fish. FISH. You think we’re manipulating the economy with anchovies and smelt? The only thing we’re manipulating is the occasional sardine under a rock.

Second, the idea that we have “trade barriers” is ridiculous. We have no barriers. You can literally walk here—if you enjoy frostbite, hypothermia, and sudden death. We are VERY open. Too open, honestly. That’s how Dave the Polar Bear keeps sneaking in.

And third—how DARE you tariff our exports! Penguin tuxedos? Those are bespoke. That’s our culture! You’re taxing our entire aesthetic. Our style! Next you’ll be charging us for waddling too close to your satellites.

As for your “discounted reciprocal tariffs,” we laughed so hard an entire iceberg collapsed. We hereby retaliate with the following penguin sanctions:

All Trump-branded items will be pecked mercilessly. No exceptions.

We’re imposing a 25% flipper tax on American snowmobiles, and hot cocoa shipments. 

Any attempt to build a golden igloo will be seen as an act of extreme climate confusion, architectural arrogance, and an open challenge to the sacred of belly sliding, against Penguin Code of Subtle Sparkle.

Seriously, who puts gold in the tundra? That’s just asking for glare-induced blindness and a very confused narwhal.

And we’re cutting off your access to our most valuable resource: glacier-cooled spa water (bottled in vintage hollowed-out fish skulls—very trendy, very exclusive).

Lastly, we have voted unanimously (23-0, one abstaining puffin) to designate Trump an official Flightless Honk-Beast.

Respectfully,

ChairPenguin Peepington McSlide, Esq. for the Frozen Nation


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