Cousin Tess

Because we all need a laugh. My laughter therapy! 😂😂 

Folks—let me tell you, and you’re gonna love this—this is a story about the most beautiful, most luxurious trash can you’ve ever seen in your life. People are saying, “Mr. Trump, we’ve never seen anything like it.” And I say, “Of course you haven’t. Because nobody builds trash cans like this. Not even close.”

This wasn’t your average, sleepy little plastic bin. No no—this was a metal trash can, strong, MAGA-strong. Gleaming stainless steel, sleek curves, aerodynamic, almost futuristic. Frankly, a little too sexy for a garbage container if you want to know the truth. We started calling it Cousin Tesla, because the design—so innovative, very Elon-y—but it doesn’t explode, okay? Unlike some things, it actually works.

Now, Cousin Tesla, this guy—incredible appetite. I’ve never seen a trash can like this. Huge capacity. He’s a winner. You throw stuff in—diapers, folks, the most disgusting, leaky, mustard-colored disasters you’ve ever seen—and Tesla just eats it up. Doesn’t even flinch. Doesn’t even blink! Of course, he doesn’t have eyes, but you get it.

Used napkins? Boom. Half-eaten Hot Pockets? Gone. Greasy pizza boxes? Tesla loves ’em. There was a time—get this, true story—a family of raccoons tried to get in there. But Tesla? He stayed shut. Tighter than Mike Pence at a pride parade. Not a single raccoon breach. None. Zero. It was perfect.

And the smell—oof. People would say, “Sir, is that your cologne?” And I said, “No, that’s greatness fermenting. That’s American garbage in a beautiful container.” Some said it smelled like a baby’s nightmare wrapped in Taco Bell wrappers. I said, “That’s flavor.”

At one point, Cousin Tesla got so full—we’re talking stuffed, like Peter Giffin (the family guy) at Golden Corral on cheat day—he started humming. Some said it was just gas from a rotten banana and a tuna sandwich. I said, “No, that’s innovation, that’s energy independence—he’s creating clean coal in there.”

But the best part? The lid. Smooth open, soft close. Better than a White House door, folks. People came from all over—China, Russia, even New Jersey—to see it in action.

Buy it in the USA (but still made in Usa, China) this trash can—Cousin Tesla—he’s a hero. A true patriot. Standing tall in the kitchen corner, handling things nobody else wants to touch. Just like me in the White House, folks. Just like me.

Tremendous story. Tremendous can. Probably deserves a Presidential Medal. I’ll see if we can make that happen. You’re welcome, America.