Listening With Care
I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, and I live with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). My journey has been long, painful, and filled with hard work to heal wounds that were kept hidden and denied. Yet, despite everything I have endured, I have had people—friends, even family—minimize my trauma and the impact it has had on my life.
I have been told, “You’ve been in therapy all these years, you should be over it.” As if healing has a deadline. As if the pain of childhood violations can simply expire with time.
I have been accused by family of using my trauma as an excuse, “You are just using that as an excuse to keep doing bad things.” As if I enjoy reliving the past to explain why I do odd things, things that are illegal, and lie.
And I have heard other words meant to silence me, blame me, and dismiss what I live with every day. But I refuse to be silent anymore.
Trauma doesn’t work on a timeline. DID is not a choice. Healing is not linear, and it certainly doesn’t come from the judgment of those who haven’t walked in my shoes. I have fought to reclaim my life, to understand my mind, and to make sense of what was stolen from me as a child. I will no longer carry the shame that belongs to my abusers, and I will not let the ignorance of others define my truth.
When someone shares their experience with trauma, they are offering a vulnerable part of themselves. Whether they are seeking support, processing their emotions, or simply needing to be heard, how you respond can significantly impact their healing process.
And now, as I watch my niece fighting for her daughter (my great niece) who is facing the same heartbreaking reality—being silenced by those who would rather ignore the truth than confront it. By a legal system that sides with the father, even though when he offered his 13 year old that she could choose who she wanted to live with, he then denied the choice she made. She is a child, just like I was, trying to find her voice in a world that too often protects abusers and shames survivors. It is a painful reminder that this cycle of silence and blame still exists, that too many people would rather dismiss a child’s trauma than stand up and fight for their healing. But my niece refuses to back down, she is a fighter who was also silenced as a child, she begging for the judge to speak with her daughter. DENIED
No child should have to fight to be believed. No survivor should have to carry the weight of their abuser’s sins. And I will never stop speaking out until the blame is placed where it belongs. ~Adena M'lynn
Hearing about trauma can be difficult. You may feel unequipped to handle the conversation, or it may bring up painful memories of your own. If the discussion makes you uncomfortable or triggers you, it’s important to communicate this kindly and honestly.
Here are some ways to express your boundaries:
“I want to support you, but I’m struggling with this conversation right now. Can we pause or talk about something else for a bit?”
“I care about you and your story, but I realize this is bringing up some tough emotions for me. Can we revisit this another time?”“I don’t know if I can give you the support you need right now, but I can help you find someone who can.”
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re being honest about what you can emotionally handle at the moment.
Avoid Minimization: What Not to Say
Minimization happens when someone downplays or invalidates another person’s trauma, whether intentionally or not. Even well-meaning comments can feel dismissive or hurtful.
Here are examples of minimization to avoid:
Phrases That Dismiss or Downplay Trauma
“It could have been worse.”
“At least you’re still here.”
“Other people have gone through worse.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That happened a long time ago. Why are you still upset?”
“You should be over it by now.”
“That doesn’t sound like a big deal to me.”
Phrases That Shift Focus Away from the Person’s Experience
“Well, I went through something similar, and I just moved on.”
“I know exactly how you feel.” (You don’t.)
“You should just focus on the positive.”
“Maybe it wasn’t as bad as you remember.”
Phrases That Imply Blame or Shame
“Why didn’t you do something to stop it?”
“Maybe you’re remembering it wrong.”
“Are you sure it was that bad?”
“You’re just looking for attention.”
Even if you don’t intend to be dismissive, these phrases can make a person feel unheard, invalidated, or like their trauma doesn’t matter.
Understanding That Trauma Is Personal and Unique
All people experience and process trauma differently. No two individuals will have the same emotional response, even if they go through similar events. Trauma is shaped by a person’s history, emotional resilience, and many other factors—including past experiences, support systems, and coping mechanisms.
Just because something didn’t impact you in a particular way doesn’t mean someone else should feel the same. Their trauma is not about your perspective or how you might have handled it—it is about them and their lived experience.
How to Respond with Empathy and Support
Instead of minimizing, respond with compassion:
“I’m so sorry you went through that.”
“Thank you for trusting me with your story.”
“That sounds incredibly painful.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you.”
“I believe you.”
“You’re not alone.”
“I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
You don’t need to have the perfect words. Just listening, acknowledging their pain, and validating their feelings can make a world of difference
If someone shares their trauma with you, remember:
Respect their courage in speaking up.
If you need to set a boundary, do so kindly and without invalidation.
Avoid minimizing their experience with comparisons, dismissive phrases, or personal projections.
Accept that people process trauma differently, and your role is to listen—not judge, fix, or compare.
Support isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being present, showing empathy, and making sure the person sharing their story feels heard and valued.
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